Dealing with Life’s Disappointments

I just returned from a somewhat disappointing trip to the Midwest to visit with my extended family. Before I left, a visitor came to our house with a bad cough which I caught before leaving for the airport. So I was sneezing, wheezing and coughing up phlegm on the plane to Chicago. This hacking cough continued throughout the night and during a long drive to Southern Indiana. At our big family reunion, I was too tired to fully participate in all of the activities.

When I had almost recovered, my wife and other relatives caught an even worse flu with constant diarrhea. This disrupted our vacation plans of canoeing, sightseeing, swimming. Furthermore, the weather in the Midwest was cold and rainy most of the time, which dampened our summer fun. In Wisconsin, mosquitoes prevented us from sitting outdoors. Not much of a summer vacation.

I could write pages more about disappointments, both yours and mine. Close friends have a teenage son with severe recurring cancer. Another friend has a homeless brother who has fallen into a nameless coma. People all around are losing jobs. Highly talented young people can’t find work commensurate with their abilities. Seniors have lost a lot of their retirement funds in the financial crisis.

A natural response to our disappointments is resentment. We can vent our rage. We can sulk and withdraw from life’s seeming caprice.

But that is not our only option. We can also acknowledge our disappointments but still make the best of our life situation.

One of the great inspirations of my life was watching the heroic death of Linda Bergwall, who had worked in New York as a fashion designer. Linda received a long series of chemo treatments, but eventually it became clear that they were not working. So she set about buying and fixing up a home in Pennsylvania for her husband Jim and two lovely daughters. She made a farewell visits to family and friends. She came with us on our boat to watch the Vancouver fireworks. She enjoyed good food, music, and every pleasure she could find. She was constantly full of life, although dying.

When Jim and Linda visited our church, they taught us this poignant litany:

God is Good

All of the Time.

All of the Time

God is Good!

To watch Linda’s joyful faith when she was being consumed by cancer seemed contradictory, almost naïve. Yet, I believe she and Jim got it exactly right. It is hard to explain how God is good when our world is in such a hopeless mess. But that is the essence of faith.

I have found several ways to minimize disappointments so that they don’t derail our lives. The first is to Reduce Expectations. Fortunately, I had remembered how many things can go wrong on a family vacation, so I was not surprised by this summer’s events. However, at other times things succeed beyond our imagination. My maxim is high hopes, but low expectations. Giving up on our hopes is not good, but having high expectations that are so often dashed is also frustrating. Essentially, we need to remember that life has lots of ups and downs. We should prepare for both good times and hard times. Neither lasts indefinitely.

A second way to limit the damage is Calm Acceptance. We can not avoid most of the difficulties we encounter, but we have some power over our reactions. Sometimes we dwell on our misfortunes, we complain loudly and look around for who is to blame. A better way is to let the harsh wind blow over us then pick ourselves up and move forward. Otherwise we waste precious energy bewailing our fate.

A third method to avoid being depressed by misfortunes is to Live in the present. Anticipating a wonderful vacation for many weeks seems OK, but can prove disastrous when it fails to materialize. I know a couple that invested huge energy and money for a year abroad; this actually wrecked their marriage when the reality of the experience turned out so much worse than the imagined pleasures. Equally, fretting about past disasters is a barrier to moving ahead. Each day has fresh opportunities and pitfalls. But we need to live one day at a time.

My last suggestion is Embracing Life to the fullest. At my age health concerns for my generation can become all consuming. Talk about diseases, medicines, vitamins, miracle cures, rejuvenation can fill days of conversation. In my experience, these are not only of little value, but they distract from the wonders all around us.

If we calmly accept that our lives will end, sooner or later, we are freed to embrace the delights of life. I have never so appreciated hearing bird calls before, nor savoured the exquisite beauty of each tree I see. Despite elevated blood pressure and deteriorating joints I love to work in my garden and walk by the ocean. I am discovering astonishing music and fantastic foods.

Like you, I have my share of disappointments. But I try to take them in my stride as only a momentary twinge. I stay busy with life’s delights.