Driven by Fear?

The plane took off from Boston’s Logan Airport and climbed towards a cruising altitude. Suddenly, there was an explosive sound and two stewardesses ran down the aisle in apparent panic. The plane hurtled towards the ground without any explanation from the captain. I was in complete shock and believed that we were going to crash! Fortunately, the plane made a successful emergency landing, but my fear of flying remained acute for years afterwards.

This Boston emergency was less dangerous than another flight I was on 25 years later in Texas, when we were forced to land our plane due to smoke in the wiring system. But the nightmare event in Boston at age 20 caused me sheer terror whereas the Texas incident didn’t.

Fear is something we all have in common. We fear for our safety from criminals, from wars, and from financial catastrophe. We fear being inadequate to deal with the challenges of life.

We especially fear for the future, for our own inevitable death, for the potential loss of our closest friends and family. We fear that the future world will not be a good place to live, whether due to pollution, economic collapse, terrorism, world war, or whatever.

We may just fear growing old, losing our strength, beauty and mental functioning, perhaps with no one close by to care for us. The list of fears is almost endless.

Our response to danger, real or imagined varies significantly from one person to another, and may change over the years as our personality and character develop.

Fear and anxiety grow when our lives become too busy and complicated to find regular rest and recreation. Fears may also grow when for some reason our lives contain far too much unproductive time and we think about ourselves incessantly.

Many of our fears come from outside of us: from books, movies, newspapers, TV, and other sources. While these vicarious adventures are thrilling, they can also build up our unconscious fears. A mental diet of less threatening material diminishes our fear. Peaceful hobbies, outdoor activities and restful thoughts all contribute to feeling peaceful

Building up a safe place in our mind, emotions and in our physical reality helps a lot to overcome fear. Mental habits are especially important, because fear is rooted in dwelling on negative thoughts.

Faith in a Transcendent Power can help quell our fears, where we trust that God will work things out for our protection. My developing faith helped me as a young businessman when I had to fly constantly despite extreme fear of flying. Although I was an agnostic at this time, I started to recite my childhood prayers whenever I flew. Before long I also started carrying a Bible and reading the Psalms, which comforted me when the plane would bounce and shudder violently.

I can not remember when my fears diminished to the point where they were no longer a major driving force in my psyche, since it happened quite gradually. However, I know that it coincided with my increasing prayer, meditation and faith.

I do not recommend faith as a security blanket, but I believe that it has helped me to live without being driven by fear. However, religious faith does not automatically enable us to overcome our fears. It takes all of our combined mental and emotional powers to surmount these strong emotions. It takes a multi-faceted approach.

Developing courage is a major part of overcoming fear. I often remember the saying: A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a brave person dies only once. We waste precious energy by confronting imaginary fear scenarios which never happen. Our courage grows when we confront our doubts and suspicions, and then resolutely march forward in spite of them.

Hiding from fears makes them grow larger. How many of us with a mysterious body ailment have avoided seeing a doctor for fear of it being something malignant or life-threatening? Reclusive people who don’t get outside eventually conclude that the world out there is far too dangerous. A short walk each day would prove that the neighbourhood is actually an enjoyable place.

Overcoming even a few small worries builds up our confidence. The more fears we confront rationally, the greater our confidence grows. This takes practice and determination. Learning to take small risks and to develop our capability gradually builds our character. Travelling out of our comfort zone frequently is excellent medicine.

Developing powerful relationships with close friends and family members helps to overcome fears. It is worthwhile to acknowledge our greatest fears and to list them. This should be done in daylight and ideally in the company of a close friend.

Separating out improbable dangers from those which are more real and immediate helps too. For example, the probability of dying in a plane crash on a major airline is less than one in a million, even though more people die in small non-commercial planes. When my cousin died flying a small plane, I erroneously concluded that all planes were highly dangerous, which was a bad understanding of probability. Instead, I should have resolved not to fly with amateur pilots in small planes.

Most fears involve blowing up a highly improbable danger into the most likely future, which is simply bad logic. Life is always a bit risky, but generally the dangers are tiny compared to our overly active imagination of danger.

Above all, we should not run away from our fears. There is no true escape, whether through sedatives, intoxicants or continuous entertainment. If we avoid them when awake, our fears will invade our dreams and imagination.

The best antidotes to fear and anxiety are hope, faith, confidence and courage. Seek to develop these qualities by taking daily small steps forward. Even small progress will make a difference. Fear can paralyze us and prevent us from enjoying life to the hilt. When we overcome fear as a driving force, we can begin to discover the real adventure of living well, of enjoying the unpredictability of life, and of exploring new horizons.

Nearly complete!

Digging Yourself out of a Deep Hole

There are times in most of our lives when we feel completely down and out. At such times, our world seems to be collapsing around us and the pressures become intense. We are almost tempted to give up the struggle to survive.

I can remember some particularly dark hours. When I was a college student at Harvard in the late 1960’s, a summer roommate committed suicide. Not long afterwards my fiancé left me, during a time when I was experimenting with drugs. My moods became dark and confused. I was disoriented and totally off track.

I have had other dark times since then, perhaps not quite as intense. These times come due to sickness, a relationship breakdown, death of a loved one, a crisis with our job, or for any number of other good reasons. What these times all have in common is the intense feeling of darkness, despair and even depression.

Ancient spiritual texts (like the Psalms of David) speak metaphorically of falling into a pit or into a deep hole. Sometimes this pit seems like our burial ground, even though we are still struggling with all our resources not to become swallowed up.

Although it is possible for us to be ambushed by undeserved illness or by sudden misfortune, it is far more typical for us to be mostly responsible for our own pain and suffering.

We may have neglected our health, or our finances. We may have become hopelessly overcommitted with our jobs and/or family responsibilities.

We haven’t allowed enough time for rest, recreation, and other healthy disciplines. In fact, we may have grown dependent on drugs (legal or illegal) and alcohol just to get by.

Thus when misfortune strikes, we have drained our resources and are unable to meet the challenge. We fall into an attitude of hopelessness. The downward spiral seems almost unstoppable.

Most often, we need to accept responsibility for creating part of our difficulty. And even where disaster comes out of left field without any fault of our own, we ourselves are best able to improve the situation by using our creativity and determination.

For instance, I was severely paralyzed by Polio at age five. My parents assumed that I was destined to a lifetime of severe handicap and dependence on others. Fortunately, I dreamed of a wonderful future, which has indeed come to pass, despite having one bad leg. And sometimes I struggle still with this limitation and with my other shortcomings. That is part of the human condition.

Obviously, not every crisis has a fairy-tale ending. Some situations are virtually intractable. We may suffer from an illness which we know will eventually become fatal. We may live in a country or situation where there is little prospect for enjoying a happy life.

I wish there was a simple formula for getting out of any deep hole, but it is unfortunately not that straightforward. On the other hand, most situations are not doomed to failure, despite our dejected feelings. With time, most difficulties can be overcome.

Usually, it takes a crisis in our lives for us to recognize our own serious flaws and to begin the disciplined effort to make major changes in our lives. The great Swiss psychologist and philosopher Paul Tournier said that in times of crisis we can often make more changes in six months than we would ordinarily make in 20 years.

God and Destiny use crisis to bring us to our senses. These challenges come not to make us despair, but to work on our own transformation. Very rarely does falling in to a deep hole signify the end of our lives. There are almost always opportunities for us to dig our way out of our deep hole, however slowly.

Through fatigue or inertia, we sometimes choose to wallow in our dark hole for a long while before we start to explore solutions.